To Be Alone

Ever came to a point in life where you take a step back from everything, look at yourself, and wondered if the reflection you’re seeing is really you? Ever started to doubt all the things around you, your friends, your family, and just be alone? To be honest, that’s how I feel. The girl that is shown on the outside is a girl who she hopes everyone will like or love. She is someone who will express her feelings towards her greatest friends, not afraid to speak her opinions, and is just a fun-loving type of person. But is that really me? Is that the person that everyone sees who I truly am? Maybe it is.

Or maybe it’s not. What if I told you that the girl you all see, the one who is kind, gentle, loving, caring, strong…is just a mask covering someone who is opposite from all those? This girl is very sociable, love to be friends with everyone around her. But what about the person that is hiding behind the mask?

This girl, this shadow, this person…she is the one who hurts so easily. She is the one that cries in her sleep, shuts the door and stays in the dark. From the outside, she’s calm and cool but has anyone ever wondered if she’s really hurting inside? Holding her tears back because she’s too embarrassed that if people saw, they’d start to see who she truly is? Her heart aches every time she’s with someone (either her friends or family). Why? Because she knows that sooner or later, they will leave.

The girl behind the mask has scars on her body. No, she doesn’t cut herself, if that’s what you’re thinking. The scars represents every single pain she has encountered emotionally and mentally. And let me just say, it happens every single day. Someone had told her, and she had heard, that it’s better to let go of everything and just move on forward. How can someone like she just get up and drop everything that her life was built upon? From the brutality of life to the heartaches that she has grown up in. How can someone tell her to leave it. Mentally, she is not ready. Emotionally, she is not ready.

And right now, I feel like I’m just jabbering on without getting to the point yet (LOL)

Alright, so just to put it through, the girl that everyone sees is just a facade. A myth. She is not real. The girl behind the mask is someone who is always in pain. Get it? I hope so.

When I wrote the title, “I’d rather be alone” to "To Be Alone"….it is because I have come to realize that when I’m alone, I tend to be myself whether that means if I’m crying or not. But when I’m with someone…it feels like it’s all a role that I must play. I hate how I feel that I can’t seem to TRULY open up to others, but at the same time I really don’t care because I don’t think I’m ready to handle people’s judgments easily.

Point is:

I’m just the girl behind the mask, afraid to come out, afraid that no one will ever understand…

I’m afraid…

I’m Afraid…to end up alone